I’ve spent over a decade working in personal development.

I've sold over 10,000 books, trained over 200 facilitators, and worked with thousands of clients in my private communities and in 1-1 sessions.

If there is a single topic where the benefits of proper inner work are apparent, it’s in the context of relationship attraction. It’s also the topic where someone can go from having decades of relationship struggles and hardships to a reality where relationships become fun and easy in just weeks.

The formula for a relationship breakthrough is simple. We can easily break it down into three parts.

Part 1 - Understand the reflection

Reality is a projection of your consciousness. The law of gravity states that what goes up must come down. The law of attraction states that what you put out is what you get back—consistently. So consistently, in fact, that after years of working with relationship breakthrough clients, I realized that most relationship patterns can be broken down into 5 archetypes—I call these the Archetypes of Attraction.

What does this mean for you?

It means that if you’re like most people, you unconsciously attract partners based not on what you’re doing, dressing, luck, or how you look - but on what's going on within yourself.

This might sound daunting (and maybe a bit confusing if you’re new to this concept) but understand that this awareness is incredibly empowering when you know where to look. When you properly shift your state of being, to align with attracting the relationship you desire, the relationship you seek shows up.

Part 2 - Understanding Split Energy

Rarely have I come across a relationship client who isn’t practicing some form of split energy. What is split energy? It’s when part of you wants something yet another part of you (often subconsciously) fears it.

A common scenario in the context of relationships is when past relationship traumas have convinced your mind that relationships are unsafe. If you’ve been cheated on. Taken advantage of. Abused (physically or emotionally). Manipulated. Then, odds are, you’re likely carrying split energy.

Split energy can also set in if you witnessed unhealthy dynamics between your parents as a child.

Where does it come from? The human mind is encoded to keep you safe. When we experience a hurtful or unsafe occurrence (such as heartbreak) in a relationship the mind often flags that as a circumstance to be avoided. The result? An uncontrollable self-sabotaging pattern or an energetic wall that prevents you from attracting relationships.

Do your relationships start to go bad when you begin to feel deeper emotions for that other person? Do you recognize that you irrationally sabotage or cause fights in your relationships? Do you struggle to attract partners or first dates no matter how hard you try? These are almost always rooted in subconscious split energy.

How can you tell if you have split energy in the context of relationships?

Try the following probing questions, and see what pops into your mind. “It’s not safe to fall in love, because if I do ….”, “It’s not safe to be in a committed relationship because if I do …”

Does anything drop into your mind when you ask these probing questions? If so, you’ve now uncovered a source of split energy - one of your potential relationship struggle root causes. A once unconscious belief, that when brought into awareness and dealt with, will change the pattern.

Part 3 - Understanding Your Attraction Point

Split energy impacts your ability to attract or hold on to a partner- and how much ease you experience in your relationships. Your attraction point will dominantly impact the type of person you attract in relationships. What you want to look at here, is the emotional baggage you carry.

Do you attract partners who are narcissistic or controlling? Odds are your emotional baggage contains emotions of powerlessness and victimhood.

Do you attract patterns who are emotionally unavailable, who don’t communicate, or who leave you frequently ghosted? You likely carry emotions of abandonment, feeling unimportant or not a priority. I often see this pattern rooted in men and women who grew up in the absence of a parent (emotionally or physically absent).

Do you attract partners who frequently cheat or who are impossible to please? You likely carry emotions of unworthiness or not good enough. Perfectionism and tight/tense neck or shoulders are often symptoms of this pattern as well.

These are just a few of the common patterns I’ve seen when working with clients. Some patterns are more obvious than others, but at the end of the day who we attract, and the patterns that we find ourselves in, always come down to what we practice within ourselves. Sometimes conscious, sometimes not.

How do you determine what’s in your attraction point? I have a 20-minute process called The Attraction Point Audit that I take all clients through for a more in-depth analysis. As a short exercise, make a list of all your past significant romantic relationships (ideally 3-5). For each relationship ask yourself - what was the worst part of this relationship and how did it make me feel? Notice if multiple relationships trigger the same specific negative emotion. Do you notice a theme of one or two common emotions that continue to resurface? Congratulations, you’ve identified a dominant negative emotion - and by releasing this emotion, your relationship patterns, and the people you attract, will change. 

It should also be noted that the emotions you've identified can usually be traced back to childhood circumstances or traumatic experiences. 

Where to go from here

Hopefully, you’ve gained an awareness of what’s getting in your way to success. Did this article help you identify feelings of unsafety or fears in relationships? Did you immediately notice a pattern of a specific emotion? Your next step is working through and releasing these emotions and fears which will release you from these patterns. A few of the highly effective tools I use are EFT/Tapping, The Belief Tree Process, NLP, and inner child work. There is no right way or wrong way to work through your emotions - you may have your own tools to do so. If not, I highly suggest working with a well-trained facilitator versed in these topics if you are serious about releasing these blocks and experiencing a breakthrough.

If you benefited from this article and would like assistance breaking free from your unwanted relationship struggle or pattern (sooner than later) please get in touch. Every month I set aside some time for 1-1 private sessions to help people just like you identify and resolve their biggest relationship blocks. You can reach out via our Help / Contact page or on Instagram.